I will be a Canadian when... 1

Here I briefly wrote about the barriers on me ever being/becoming a Canadian. This is by no means a bad thing. I enjoy this state of "landlessness". The barriers can be funny a lot of the times. I write them whenever I remember one. There is no priority. 

I will be a Canadian when I stop flipping the reports, books or any other reading material from right to left. You have no idea how strange people find it in Chapters to see a woman who reads through the books and magazine from the end to beginning.

"I resented being Asian because I wasn’t white. This kind of racism is in place so people don’t even think about it. It just happens. I just feel left out. When I stand in line at a counter to be served, to buy something, and the white person who comes after me gets served first, it’s not done on purpose. It’s because the person doesn’t see me. I’m invisible to that white person".

from Daily Riot

It was our agency's Christmas party last night. To be politically correct I have to say "holiday" party. Well, I don't care about being politically correct. It is Christmas and last night's occasion was "Christmas" party. We don't celebrate Winter holiday or March break or Summer holiday but we celebrate Christmas. It is not even about the new year. So why should I lie and call my lie "political correctness"? If I am to make changes in people's awareness, be respectful of diversity, address the corruption of Catholic church or even how religion has historically been used to serve the powerful and the rich at the cost of - if not always people's lives- but definitely people's level of awareness, I will celebrate Christmas and fight what is not right about Christianity. But that's just me and it is a controversial subject.

I was going to talk about one of my nightmares. Ever since I was a child- when dad was away for long periods of time for work and mom had to deal with three crazy young children on her own- I had a reoccurring nightmare. I would see myself away from my family, missing them to the extent I could physically feel the pain in my heart-chest. In my dream, I was alone and it was dark and cold. I was looking for my family but they were not there. I knew they were somewhere very far and I couldn't see them. That was the most horrible of my nightmares until I started dreaming about losing my older brother. The only brother that is left for me. I dream he is tortured, all his bones are broken and his skull broken open. He is soaking in his own blood and is trying to tell me something but I cant hear him. He is dying and I know there is nothing I can do. I sob and beg him to stay and I wake up with my heart beating in my mouth.

Last night in the Christmas party I told L my mom was coming very soon. I told her I have not seen her in two years. She asked me" Shadi how can you do that?" I thought for a second and then said I didn't know. I don't really know. I guess I am living one of my nightmares.

There are days that no matter how successful you are according to the "society's standards", you feel in your heart that you will never belong, that you in fact have never belonged. It is a strange feeling of being in a loud crowd yet feeling a deep silence in your heart. It is not about it being bad or good. It is just the reality that an immigrant may want to forget at times. It is the reality of immigration. At least for me. I used to criticize the immigrants who socialize within their own communities. Now when I go to schools to see the children for my job, I see that immigrant kids hang out together, Asian, Indian, Afghan all together. You can see them sitting in the hallways of high schools or smoking outside the school. I asked my cousin about her experience in high school. She said she could only fit in with immigrant kids because they were weird just like her.

I am happy I chose to be an immigrant in Canada. Not belonging here is less painful than not belonging in one's own country.