There ought to be a name for an aching soul. I mean we have head ache and sore throat and body ache and sore muscle but can you imagine the look on one's face when one asks you "how are you?" and you say "I am well, just a little soul ache."
My soul aches these days. In all the years I have been in this country it is the first spring that weather is just like the weather we had in spring time in my home country. In the mornings I wake up and I feel I am in my old room, I close my eyes and I hear my mom, my dad, I hear my brothers, through the big french windows I see the trees in the garden and my heart is happy, happy, happy and at home. And then I wake up. The weather takes my soul away to old memories of home, my body is confused, my body wants to stay in bed with eyes closed and listen to the voice of my mom, my dad, my brothers. My body wants to fly with my soul. But I know very well that for what seems to be a long time now, I can't go back to revisit the memories, to smell the smells, to see my old room, my friends, the street, the markets, my dad's and brother's graves.
So my friends, if you see a woman driving as if she is drunk, be kind to her. She is not drunk. She has something that there is no medical term for it. Her soul aches.
Spring is also when he died. I look at his pictures. His young handsome smiley face. It has been three years. three year? Three years of not having heard him? Three years of not having talked to him? Three years of not having received a post card, a letter from him?
And I survived. Who would think I could?
I think it was after his death that I gave up. I gave up fighting to change the world. I gave up hoping for peace and justice. Now that I look back it was after his death that I realized life is not a fucking dress rehearsal and I need to love, love, love, and enjoy it with my loved ones. It was after he was gone that I learned there is no "fair and just" in the world.
I feel something big, as big as a walnut is sitting in my throat and is choking me.
I just hope next spring begins as cold and snowy as previous years. It is easier on the soul.